• Step 1 – Photoshop
• Step 2 – Hey presto
• Gradient
• “Insert Lizard”
• Finished
• party down!!
• get appropriate rest

Today we will instruct you how to make a fascinating Winter Wonderland of igloo and snowman.

INGREDIENTS:

1. Ice cubes
2. Piece of cardboard painted white
3. Baby carrots (1)
4. Sultanas (these will end up as both eyes and buttons so choose carefully!)
5. Beans (2)
6. Water
7. Loving care
8. Balloons (3)

OTHER THINGS:

• Fire
• Pointy metal thing
• Freezer (this will be home to winter wonderland)

STEP ONE:

After being inspired to create a snowman friend, get a piece of cardboard (or whatever) and paint it white. This will be the snow ground.

STEP TWO:

You will need a particular type of icecube, thankfully the most common type. Long rectangle with tapered sides (do not use love heart shaped ice cubes (they are tacky and will not work for housing))

Lay your ice cubes down on the cardboard flat so that they form a circle, join the tapered ends of the ice cubes together so that they face inwards. Leave a gap of approx one ice cube, which will be the doorway. Once completed the first floor, put the whole thing back into the freezer to firm up.

Above you see step two with my steaks.

STEP THREE:

Now it gets a bit trickier, you need to lay the next layer of icecubes on top of the first, they will start to taper inwards to form a dome. The natural freezingness of the ice should help them to stick together, but it will help to dip the new ice cubes into water before laying them down.

STEP FOUR:

If it starts to get a bit harder thats because it is. Third layer is tough because everything starts tilting dramatically towards the centre of the dome and gravity can be difficult. Still dip them in water and set them against the previous level – make sure for the ice cubes to overlap as they would bricks. You may need to hold the ice cubes against the structure as you lay them down, for a minute or so, to make sure it will hold. If uncertain, put it back into the freezer a while to make sure it firms up.

As the structure grows the layers are smaller and the ice cubes are more difficult to fit together and there is more space between them. Its possible to smash them with knives to trim them into a more suitable shape but this is up to you. In my case i also had some smaller square ice cubes which were helpful on the higher levels and the ceiling (roof). The roof is a pain in the ass and i don’t think i can quite cover how exactly to do it. Just have a crack at it and hope for the best. You can fill any gaps with smaller crushed bits of ice cubes.

STEP FIVE:

Maybe i should have mentioned earlier but the first 2 or maybe 3 levels (probably just 2) need to have a gap left for the doorway. To make the entry to the igloo we just stack our icecubes joining them with the long side. See above in step four, the first two cubes are layed down on top of eachother in this way. Also make sure to try and get the small end of the icecube as close to the main structure as possible to prevent unsightly gaps. When the door tunnel reaches the top it will be hard to get the cube to join, so make sure to hold it untill it is secure enough, and then get it back into the freezer to solidify.

STEP SIX:

Finishing the roof. Add crushed bits and pieces to fill the gaps and hope for the best. Next we will talk about how to put together the friendly snowman to accompany his home.

STEP SEVEN:

Ok get three balloons. Fill them with 3 different amounts of water. One will form the base of your snowman, the next the guts, the third the head, so fill appropriately. Freeze these in the freezer for a suitable amount of time.

STEP EIGHT:

Getting your frozen snowman balls. You will need to remove the balloons from around the frozen ice globes. They will be difficult to stack in snowman form in their current convex state.

STEP NINE:

Simmer snowman bits on low heat for a couple of seconds. This should cause flattening on each part and make them easy to stack. For the lower two parts, simmer on both sides, for the head only one side. Stack them together and put them back into the freezer.

STEP TEN:

Ok so the basic structure of your snowman should now be good. If not try harder. The next thing is to put a delightful carrot nose onto your snowman. Hopefully you have a tin of baby carrots – if not, serious full grown carrots are probably much too big. Get a baby carrot and cut it down to size. You will also need something metal and pointy – but not TOO pointy, to melt holes into the snowman friend for purposes of embedding carrots, beans, and sultanas. In my particular situation it suited me to use the spinny thing from an egg beater. You will heat the metal pointy bit and poke it into the frozen snowman to make entry holes. He will cry when you do this particularly in the case of the eyes. Once the holes are there, embed your fruit or vegetable and put it immediately to the freezer to set.

Carrots.

The picture above shows heating up the thing

Cutting the carrot, lol.

After heating, stab him hard in the face; you will need a strong stomach! Then you embed the sultana and give the gift of sight, which will cause him to forgive your heated stabs.

STEP ELEVEN:

After finalising eyes, arms, nose, buttons – your snowman will be completed. He will say to you ‘I want to be a real boy!’, but you’ll have to let him down easy. Don’t worry a snowman this small only has a short memory span, but a lot of love. Treat him well and keep him in the freezer, remember he is not an outdoors companion like a dog (or tennis partner). Enjoy!

* The bad kind

#10 – Lord of rings

#09 – Police

READ ALL THE AWESOME ONES COUYNTS DOWN TO 1 WITH UNFITTING MUSIC LOL

Number 8: Star wars

#7 club penguin

7 friday 13th

Number 06: Thriller

5 Robot vacuum cleaner (that reminds me of my favourite robot vacuum cleaner video)

4 real penguins

3 Pigeons

2 leekspin

1 Shrimp

Google Bingo

Google Bingo will be the killer app for the growing e-pensioner market. Various Bingo Archivers, from corporations to Individuals, have provided the raw data for Google’s full index of Bingo games going back to the great depression.

It is incredibly exciting that this historically important collection will be finally searchable and easily accessible to the world, in 2010. While sheer fascination for the general public is to be expected, the mental excercise for those trying to hold onto their memory in their old age will be an added bonus. Just imagining the old folks straining to recall a winning set of Bingo numbers from the good old days (before they could no longer play and had to switch to the pokies full time) makes my synapses feel fresh, radiant, and full of a hearty new respect for life.

Find out about “Google Fish” and “Google Warmonger” after the jump!

Google Fish

Google Fish is an internet based fish finder. To cut a long story short, it will find fish > for you. Using the underlying Google Maps interface, icons of fish, or icons representing schools of fish (depending on the zoom level and the data quality) will show up in their current locations. There should generally be no more than a few minutes delay (unless, like us, you are searching using Google Future in which case expect a 2 year delay as this app is not out yet!!). It will all be accomplished by fish sensitive orbital satellites! This application is set to stay in Beta for some time, as you will see there is some serious potential for misuse.

The system is quite open ended, and can be used for most, if not all, types of sea creature. So if you love what’s under the sea, and knowing where it is, you are in for a treat. Feast your eyes on this example of searching for ‘Whale’. Notice Migaloo the White Whale, as he swims up the east coast of Australia with his good buddies, at a relaxing yet healthy pace.

Whale Buddies

There is a danger in this though, as it leads people directly to fish and could result in overfishing. Whale Lovers please look away for the next image as it could be quite confronting. We had managed to identify an innapropriate location for Whales… Hopefully given that this application is not due for release for a couple of years, we have some time to stop this madness.

Whales in the wrong part of town (not the water)

There is quite a lot of amazing uses for such a unique and all powerful tool as the google fishfinder, Google Fish. We have one last application to report on: which will also take advantage of the underlying Google Maps technology.

Google Warmonger

Google has really gone out (will go all out) with this one. Using a painful biological scan of the planet, Google’s crawlers are able to identify all troop movements across the globe, in this groundbreaking app coming up in late 2010. It makes for a more interesting and interactive spectating of international conflicts than the much more linear TV approach which first came into it’s own during the Vietnam War.

See here a typical image of a US led force as it approaches an unarmed North Korean town in the Coalition of the Righteous War to uncover widely reported Communist stem-cell researchers and abortionists.

Supposedly shortly after the release of Google Warmonger the Japanese will be utilising the API for a web 4.2 site, which combined with a huge army of Robots will allow netizens to perform a large scale international game of Risk. Personally, we can’t wait to have a crack at that!

Anyway upon opening the package I was confounded by a large metallic tube with a demeanor of seafood. It wasn’t until I picked it up and 20 squids fell out that I realised that it was a Squid Cannon, needless to say I didn’t finish my toast (because it had squids on it (the toast)).

That was it, time to call Mum, about my unexpected squid cannon delivery. As always Mum answers the phone derisively with a sigh “So what has Gene Wilder got up to this week?” I said “No no no no no, I’ve been delivered a squid cannon”.  She was less than excited.

There are only so many times in your life a squid cannon gets delivered to you from nowhere, like a gift from Zeus, so I thought I better try it out. I live in a tall building, level 10, so I was pretty sure I could get away with shooting it out into the city out at various interesting targets, without people noticing where these flying-airbourne squids were coming from.

I would have felt bad about it… but it already came with 20 predead squid-bullets (even if I was being optimistic, I don’t think I could have eaten even five of the squids before they went bad, they were quite large, and aerodynamic) and when it comes down to it, worst case a little bit of squid to the face never hurt anyone.

So I’ve shot a few squids around my apartment (I wish I’d thought to just keep it to the bathroom, but Mum says the ink adds a nice patina and liveliness to the couch and curtains). So I’m feeling pretty confident, I decide to try something a bit more challenging and a bit more public. Plus I wanted to see what kind of range I could get on this thing.

I loaded up another squid, and aimed down at the old town hall where there was usually a large crowd of people (why not share my squid joy with as many people as possible?). As I was looking through the sight of the squid cannon getting ready to fire, I noticed in the building directly across from mine – the attractive blonde girl was running on her treadmill again. To tell you about this girl is really another story, infact i could fill a dozen novels or 32 novellas (if you are in the publishing business, get in touch, squidcannonbigshot52@hotmail.com), but to cut a long story short she is wonderful and will one day be the mother of my (and her) distinguished children. I just have to come up with the right words to let her know that! If however I do find the words I would not wish them delivered via squid, as you will see, I’ve since learned that that is not her cup of tea.

Lost and swooning in my infatuation I didn’t notice my arm slowly swing around with the squid cannon to point toward this lovely girl’s apartment. I don’t remember pulling the trigger, it must have been some unconscious reaction. Before I know it, the squid had confirmed and locked in it’s projectory towards the leggy/hot/nearby blonde’s apartment homespace.

I ran inside and hid under my giant stuffed polar bear, which Mum won for me in the Ingham Regional Produce Show 1992 (in case you were wondering I was never born there, until recently). I stayed hidden beneath FROSTY for a good 20 minutes, before hearing a knock at the door.

“Hey, is that you under that _ ” (I’d forgotten to close the door in my haste to get inside to read my Gene Wilder gossip)  ” _aboninable snow man?”

“Frosty is a polar bear not an abonibable snow man” I said from beneath my trusted friend and hiding spot.

Blonde girl said “Whatever, I’ve noticed you’ve beene shooting squids at people recently, and I also noticed I got punched directly in the face with a flying squid recently”

“I guess that explains all the ink”

“Yes you certainly ruined my good excercise costume”

“My Mum would say it adds liveliness and patina…”

“What does patina mean?”

“You’d have to ask my Mum, I can call her if you want…”

“No its ok. Do you want your squid back?”

“No you can have it.”

“Please don’t shoot any more squids at my house.”

“Ok.”

“I don’t mean to be rude. But you really shouldn’t be shooting squids around the neighbourhood. Its unhygienic.”

Emerging from underneath Frosty, I said “I usually have a satisfactory standard of hygiene.”

At that point we said our goodbyes. Our inevitable relationship has been set back years. The squid that could have brought us together, has only driven us apart.

Aitana the lizard painstakingly plotted the spadglog development graph.

We had trouble starting, but then a lizard helped us out. We would go into more depth about how he or she helped us out, but Aitana is buying us beers to celebrate our first post and his or her induction into the west ipswich rock and roll hall of fame.

Aitana comes to us from Ischia Island, Campania (Italy)